Tag: suicide

And The Walls Came Tumbling Down…

This little Groot ring has kept me going the last couple of weeks. The wedding band beside it? Not so much.

Two weeks ago my husband of 20 years, after having picked up my mother for a week long visit, walked me around the back of the house and burst into tears.

He’d been having an affair for 5 years with a woman he slept with in University. My first reaction was to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok. WTF? It must have been the shock. Though this was his third affair of our marriage (albeit the others were short and very early on), you’d think I’d be used to it by now.

He went on to say he loved her but not as much as me. Well that was comforting. (Note heavy sarcasm)

Did I mention his impeccable timing? This was 2 days before our 20th anniversary, while my mom was up for a week and the day before my therapist left for 2 weeks vacation. I felt isolated and alone. I pretended it hadn’t happened.

Thank the gods for Ketamine or I wouldn’t be here to type this. Mostly I feel numb. I burst into tears for no reason. I want to get angry but can’t. I’m working on that one. It seems totally unfair that I have to stay silent about it so that it doesn’t ruin the relationship with his daughter (from a fling before we met), his family, my family or our friends.

It’s been rough. I have to put on another skin at work so my staff, clients and their pets can feel secure in their knowledge that their veterinarian isn’t going to lose her shit at any moment.

I’ve had the last couple of days off. Being alone is tougher than being busy at work. Too much time to think. I wasn’t suicidal, but I hadn’t slept for the 2 weeks since ‘the news’ so a couple of nights ago I downed a fist full of Clonazapam, Trazadone and a couple of Zopiclone, knowing full well it wouldn’t kill me but at least I’d sleep. 2 days later I’m still stumbling around. Who knew that shit would last so long?

Am I giving up on him? No. Many would say he should be on the curb with or without his bags packed, but I still love him. He’s stood by me through years of depression and anxiety. I think that’s the worst of all. He’s been telling everyone that the Ketamine Infusions have ‘given him his wife back’. Maybe that’s why he decided to end the affair. Who the fuck knows.

The Ketamine infusions had finally brought me back to the place where being touched wasn’t scary, where intimacy no longer made me panic. I didn’t have to grit my teeth and fake it anymore. Now I’m back to the place where even his touch makes me want to run.

I need a Groot in my life right now. Not the snotty teenaged one but the first Groot who wrapped his branches around his friends in the face of disaster to keep them safe, letting them all know how much he loved them.

We’re going to try couples counseling for the first time. That scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to rehash all the abuse and trauma from my earlier years with yet another therapist.

I’ll make sure I have Groot along. Maybe he can keep me safe.

It was all the same to me….until it wasn’t

For me, at least, depression made everything feel the same. Everything was numb. Sure, the darkness varied in its intensity, but the ability to feel happiness, comfort, anger or to simply enjoy a good cup of coffee was outside of reach. Part of my brain told me I did enjoy my career at some point, but my heart couldn’t remember that time in my life. I’d pasted on the happy face for my clients and co-workers because my goal in life has always been, and still is, to make everyone as happy as I possibly can. (More on that later)

Ketamine changed all that. It started after the 6th infusion when the depression all but disappeared and I began to feel, well, everything.

While this might seem like a wonderful thing, and to a certain degree that’s true, it was also overwhelming. This wasn’t a lightbulb coming back on, it was the sun in my eyes and shades were nowhere to be found.

I have never been an angry person. Anger scares the shit out of me and I avoid it at all costs. Suddenly I WAS feeling frustrated and angry along with a slew of other emotions and I literally did not know what to do with them. This blog is a small part of helping me process this new way of being. My therapist is amazing and I would encourage anyone suffering emotionally to find one. Just having an unbiased ear to listen and someone to gently guide you while providing a safe space is invaluable.

It’s not all bad. Not by a long shot.

Since the Ketamine kicked in I look forward to my cup of coffee in the morning. I’m enjoying seeing patients again and interacting with clients. I haven’t had a suicidal though in over a month. That’s huge. I’m hatching out monarch butterflies and one is emerging as I type. It’s like a little miracle in my kitchen. It’s kinda like Ketamine.

The Journey, Part One

I’m breaking up my ‘depression journey’ into several posts. It’s such a long one that if I were to write it in one go, it would likely put YOU into a ketamine coma.

I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 17 and headed to University. The anxiety diagnosis came much later. During the ensuing 32 years I was in and out of therapy and had gone through every antidepressant on the market.  If a new one hit the shelves, we gave it a go.  While some of them seemed to help a little, bringing a small amount of light into the darkness, none of them allowed me to see the sun. 

During my undergraduate years, I had a wonderful counsellor who kept me going from week to week.  My parents were pretty much in the dark until a suicide attempt and admission to a hospital gave my therapist no choice but to bring them into the loop. Even then, they never called, visited, or reached out. I still don’t know why.

We didn’t talk about mental health in our family. I think that was typical of European immigrants who worked hard but said little. I don’t judge them. I know they did their best. That being said, it would have been good to know that grandma committed suicide and mom suffered from depression when we were young. You know, so when your doctor asks if there’s any known medical issues in your family you can do more than shrug.

The unfortunate part of University Health Care, at least where I’m from, is that it is abundantly available and free as long as you’re a student. Once you graduate, you’re on your own folks. The sudden disconnect from the therapist I trusted, along with the new expense of my medication left me bereft of hope and cost me a long term relationship.

I was treading water. Barely. I took too many pills too many times in attempts to sleep everything away. I cut, for the brief period it allowed physical pain to beat back the mental anguish. My lifeline was my completely unexpected but longed for acceptance into Veterinary School. Surely now that I’d met my lifelong goal it would be smooth sailing. (Pardon the plethora of water related analogies). Boy was I wrong.