For me, at least, depression made everything feel the same. Everything was numb. Sure, the darkness varied in its intensity, but the ability to feel happiness, comfort, anger or to simply enjoy a good cup of coffee was outside of reach. Part of my brain told me I did enjoy my career at some point, but my heart couldn’t remember that time in my life. I’d pasted on the happy face for my clients and co-workers because my goal in life has always been, and still is, to make everyone as happy as I possibly can. (More on that later)
Ketamine changed all that. It started after the 6th infusion when the depression all but disappeared and I began to feel, well, everything.
While this might seem like a wonderful thing, and to a certain degree that’s true, it was also overwhelming. This wasn’t a lightbulb coming back on, it was the sun in my eyes and shades were nowhere to be found.
I have never been an angry person. Anger scares the shit out of me and I avoid it at all costs. Suddenly I WAS feeling frustrated and angry along with a slew of other emotions and I literally did not know what to do with them. This blog is a small part of helping me process this new way of being. My therapist is amazing and I would encourage anyone suffering emotionally to find one. Just having an unbiased ear to listen and someone to gently guide you while providing a safe space is invaluable.
It’s not all bad. Not by a long shot.
Since the Ketamine kicked in I look forward to my cup of coffee in the morning. I’m enjoying seeing patients again and interacting with clients. I haven’t had a suicidal though in over a month. That’s huge. I’m hatching out monarch butterflies and one is emerging as I type. It’s like a little miracle in my kitchen. It’s kinda like Ketamine.
One Veterinarian’s Life 