Tag: infidelity

Lost and Exhausted

I’m lost and I’m not sure I can find my way back. Adrift in uncharted waters without a compass or stars, I’m beginning to wonder if it would be best just to drift away into the mist until I disappear.

Infidelity is a tenacious bitch. She’s robbing me of my confidence, my trust in my best friend and almost worst of all, my sleep.

Since the news that my partner of 20 years has been having an affair for 5 of them, I haven’t had a night’s rest. For the past few weeks my sleep has been fitful, scattered with nightmares and PTSD sweats I thought I’d finally conquered with the ketamine infusions.

I’m exhausted. I never realized how important sleep was. I ache. Everywhere. My eyeballs hurt. I’m forgetting words, names and what I did 2 minutes ago. That’s some scary shit folks. I had to pare back my schedule because I’m terrified of making a mistake at work.

My doc is tweaking my night time meds. I hope it helps. If it doesn’t I honestly don’t know what will happen.

I’d love to hear from anyone else who has dealt with extended insomnia. How do you function?

Right now I honestly don’t have any more fucks to give. Sorry guys.

And The Walls Came Tumbling Down…

This little Groot ring has kept me going the last couple of weeks. The wedding band beside it? Not so much.

Two weeks ago my husband of 20 years, after having picked up my mother for a week long visit, walked me around the back of the house and burst into tears.

He’d been having an affair for 5 years with a woman he slept with in University. My first reaction was to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok. WTF? It must have been the shock. Though this was his third affair of our marriage (albeit the others were short and very early on), you’d think I’d be used to it by now.

He went on to say he loved her but not as much as me. Well that was comforting. (Note heavy sarcasm)

Did I mention his impeccable timing? This was 2 days before our 20th anniversary, while my mom was up for a week and the day before my therapist left for 2 weeks vacation. I felt isolated and alone. I pretended it hadn’t happened.

Thank the gods for Ketamine or I wouldn’t be here to type this. Mostly I feel numb. I burst into tears for no reason. I want to get angry but can’t. I’m working on that one. It seems totally unfair that I have to stay silent about it so that it doesn’t ruin the relationship with his daughter (from a fling before we met), his family, my family or our friends.

It’s been rough. I have to put on another skin at work so my staff, clients and their pets can feel secure in their knowledge that their veterinarian isn’t going to lose her shit at any moment.

I’ve had the last couple of days off. Being alone is tougher than being busy at work. Too much time to think. I wasn’t suicidal, but I hadn’t slept for the 2 weeks since ‘the news’ so a couple of nights ago I downed a fist full of Clonazapam, Trazadone and a couple of Zopiclone, knowing full well it wouldn’t kill me but at least I’d sleep. 2 days later I’m still stumbling around. Who knew that shit would last so long?

Am I giving up on him? No. Many would say he should be on the curb with or without his bags packed, but I still love him. He’s stood by me through years of depression and anxiety. I think that’s the worst of all. He’s been telling everyone that the Ketamine Infusions have ‘given him his wife back’. Maybe that’s why he decided to end the affair. Who the fuck knows.

The Ketamine infusions had finally brought me back to the place where being touched wasn’t scary, where intimacy no longer made me panic. I didn’t have to grit my teeth and fake it anymore. Now I’m back to the place where even his touch makes me want to run.

I need a Groot in my life right now. Not the snotty teenaged one but the first Groot who wrapped his branches around his friends in the face of disaster to keep them safe, letting them all know how much he loved them.

We’re going to try couples counseling for the first time. That scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to rehash all the abuse and trauma from my earlier years with yet another therapist.

I’ll make sure I have Groot along. Maybe he can keep me safe.